Want to wander around Vegas with us? A trip with girlfriends is always fun; and, this trip is free!

Let the strains of Sinatra’s "Luck be a Lady Tonight" play in your head. Imagine huge, sparkling hotels with beautiful flowing water fountains – perhaps the Bellagio? Can you see the dazzle of incredible night shows and colorful light displays? Survey the gaming rooms filled with people and poker chips. The roar of the winners, the ringing of slot machine bells, the calls of pit bosses, the cheers of the players, the laughter of winners scooping up their rewards – I bet there are some lucky ladies in the crowd!

Let’s survey another scene…… Consider your early morning start. Can you hear "Reveille" playing as our American flag is raised high above the Post headquarters? Do you hear the sound of children waking for play and getting ready to go to school? Whew! Is that the smell of your husband's P.T. clothes? Did he really just track muddy shoes on your kitchen floor?! Glancing at your watch, you notice it’s time to tackle your activities and chores - many having to do with your work and family as well as the needs of others in your FRG (Family Readiness Group). As the day winds down, can you hear the sounds of retreat played at 1700? And the day closing at 2100 hrs with the bugle call Tattoo?

These are the sights and sounds of Army life. They cross all social boundaries. They cross all religions, and races. We are lucky, we are lucky, we are lucky...keep telling yourself that and click your heels three times. Positive thinking is quantifiably proven to take you farther in life. Lucky Army Wives are exactly that - Lucky in their Army life associations and rich experiences.

What do you think?

• Coffee or tea in the morning?
• Nickel slots, roulette table or no gambling at all?
• Live on post or off?

        

Some of us – no names, no hints, no next door neighbors called out – have possibly crossed the proverbial “bridge too far” in our genuine effort to support our soldier, their Battalion, the Army, the military, the US of A……… right, we’re talking to you with the 13 stickers covering up the back of your vehicle (we tried to read through them all at the last stoplight but had to actually engage in driving around the seventh sticker – so now we’ll never know who or what else to support!).

We’re not against spousal support but we thought we should bring our concerns to your attention – primarily our concern that some of us – “us” being used a bit liberally here – have entered a parallel universe of dressing, walking, talking and spitting like our soldiers.

If you friends, family and commander’s wife have NOT invited you to a semi-lit room, put a plate of finger food in your hands, and asked you to join the circle of love to discuss why exactly your soldier’s company logo is emblazoned on the side of your head, you might be okay. If, however, anything previously described sounds even vaguely reminiscent of last weekend, squint your eyes and take a look down the “where has my identity gone to?” tunnel………….

1. You and your soldier can trade sides of the closet (or closets!) and nary a worry – you have something to wear as your clothes and your sweetie’s all kind of, well, match!
2. You strategically eyeball any and all cars at the new car dealership that are similar in color to your Battalion colors.
3. You actually consider ordering a magnet of your BDE insignia, that is the size of a stove, to strategically position on the hood of your car.
4. You don’t just carry a purse with your BDE crest emblazoned on it – you also own a wallet, notebook cover, diaper bag, laptop bag, children’s backpacks and a swim bag all emblazoned with your BDE crest.
5. When compiling your Christmas list, you realize that every addressee starts with a rank designation; and, when pondering this phenomena, you realize that your kids go to school with, you eat lunch/dinner with, you attend social events with, go to church with, the same people, every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year.
6. Your Christmas shopping is considered complete once you’ve ordered 38 Afghans embroidered with the Battalion crest (it’s generally for a good cause, after all!).
7. You painted the interior of your last four home in your soldier’s colors.
8. You schedule lunch dates in the mess hall to see more of your husband and a fun family outing is dinner at the post food court.
9. You bake, package and deliver Christmas AND Easter cookies for the Staff Duty soldiers, the Courtesy Patrol soldiers, the gate guards AND every single soldier in the barracks.
10. You sewed your husband's unit crest AND his top tank crew patch onto your child's jacket, long-sleeve denim shirt, and favorite sweater.
11. You actually shop for and make SOS (sh** on a shingle) for your family’s weekend breakfast.

And although we are putting these tell tale signs in writing and might appear to be suggesting a weekend in a liberal east or west coast town where the military is maligned and you must travel in disguise, Pear & Mercedes cast no stones. In fact, Pearl had to recently repaint the infantry blue entrance wall armor yellow due to her soldier’s branch transfer. 

        

On one hand, being a military spouse can be rough as you’re continuously having to find, vet, and connect with potential long-term buddies (long-term being the operative word). On the other, if you fail to properly vet or if you are rejected by the majority of the spouses or if you manage to offend the neighborhood block captain early on or if your children are atrociously mannered, you can always rely on the impending PCS as a restart and just lay low for the remaining time at your current location (online education, reading, cleaning the house, packing a bit early for the impending move, etc. are always available time-killing options).

You’re on your own concerning that block captain offense (hey! We don’t want to end up on the bad neighbor list with you!); and, we’re not much help when it comes to children behaving badly (we’re betting you’ll get to offer up between 8-10 bad child apologies - her dad’s deployed, mom is stressed out, the therapist is on vacation, etc.- before being booted from the bunko club). We do, however, have input per “un-friending” the improperly vetted new buddy.

Step 1 - Grab the Lifejacket: When standing on the deck of a sinking ship, we recommend first grabbing the proverbial lifejacket meaning that - when called upon to engage with your new friend mistakenly made on impulse at last Saturday’s third birthday party whom you’ve now discovered suffers from a very public display of TMI disease – you find that your schedule is extremely busy, you’re suffering from a chronic bronchial infection, your children are in quarantine per potential H1N1 symptoms, you must clean, clean, clean per your soldier’s impending return from <NTC, Afghanistan, Iraq, grocery store, WHATEVER it takes). A simple floatation device may be all you need to slip on to avoid your newest friend who discusses her recent silicone addition(s) quite loudly at the post pool or the friend who chooses to discusses your son’s recent night in the slammer while standing in the receiving line at the new commander’s change of command party.

Step 2 - Hit the Deck: If your new friend(s) fail to see that you’re wearing a very unattractive puffy orange flotation device and continues to discuss the sex life of her duplex neighbors in excruciating enthusiastic loud detail while standing in line two carts behind you at the commissary on pay-day, you might be required to progress to un-friending step 2, AKA hitting the deck. Resorting to “hitting the deck” will require you to focus, focus, focus – on ANYTHING other than the not quite defriended acquaintance now frantically trying to engage you in conversation at any opportune moment. To net, you will have to straddle the subtle line between ignoring her completely and giving her a quick signal indicating that you’re listening intently to a secondary party via the flashing blue light in your ear. And you must also figure out how to silently indicate that the conversation is indefinite, is more important than any conversation the impending de-friended is about to relate, and there is absolutely no need for her to wait on you to finish, use sign language to communicate with you or try to talk simultaneously as you’re listening intently to the mysterious blue light. You must hit the hands-free mobile phone deck while wearing a tight-lipped smile and preferably sunglasses to hide any fear. As, the impending de-friended will interpret the fear in your eyes as panic over the news you’re currently receiving via the flashing blue light and will wait AS LONG AS IT TAKES to get the scoop on the clearly significant conversation. There is absolutely no need for anyone to know that you’re just listening to your voicemail attendant – endlessly repeating “you have no new or saved messages, you have no new or saved messages, you have no new or saved messages”.

Step 3 - Jump Overboard: Pearl has had to jump overboard once. Resorting to the jump requires effort on the part of all family members as it means you’re possibly a. leaving your current neighborhood/location immediately and moving home to live with your parents/grandparents until your solider is assigned a new duty station; b. meeting with your soldier’s commander to request your soldier’s immediate transfer to ANY other Army post (know that the commander will be so annoyed with this request that you will most certainly be stationed in Alaska for a seven-year assignment); or c. meeting with the most credible plastic surgeon in a 45-mile radius to discuss significant facial reconstructive surgery (this will most certainly drain your savings and freak out your family and actual friends). This step is only to be taken due to extreme circumstances – eg. your soon to be ex-friend invited you and a few others to a small dinner party, pelted you with wine, and then coerced everyone into revealing their pet names for their partners and persisted in discussing the merits of partner swapping. Your attempts to avoid any further discussion along these lines resulted in said weirdo friend stalking you at the PX periodically screaming “here comes cotton candy” while giving you – and everyone else in the vicinity – a salacious wink!

Clearly choosing friends requires the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job. It might be more worthwhile to track down the local Military Life Consultant and pretend you have a friend for 45 minutes a week; or to find a very concerned hairdresser and visit with her/him on a regular basis; or spend so much time at the local Starbuck’s that they feel sorry for you and move beyond describing the merits of the skinny latte and engage in actual conversation with you.

What do you think?

• Many acquaintances or a few friends?
• I accidentally erased my mobile phone contact list or I’m suffering from chronic bronchitis?
• Best place to make new friends?

        

As an Army spouse, your acquaintances are generally predetermined by your soldier’s rank, duty station, and function. As a person with your own personality, interests, and activities – albeit heavily influenced by your place in the Army – your friends can actually be of your own choosing! (That’s also a very cool thing about getting older – you realize you can choose your own friends – it’s liberating once you realize you do NOT have to return every phone call, email, dinner invite, luncheon opportunity, etc. – but we digress………)

Pearl & Mercedes are "seasoned" Army spouses – and because we’ve climbed on board the USS Friendship and have managed to keep the boat afloat, we’re going to espouse our tried and true methods for finding, vetting and making new friends. (As a side note to our readers, please know that we’ve also had to jump off many a sinking USS Friendship – we will grimace through the mishaps, mistakes, and missteps in a follow-on blog!)

As part of our forced geographic expeditions; pioneering and proselytizing of new FRGs, fundraising committees, and  volunteer efforts; and the creating - disbanding - and re-creating of social networks (all without Facebook until recently!), we’ve introduced many a “friend” to our families and added (and most definitely removed!) friends from our Christmas card lists. As part of this journey, we’ve architected “the friendship model” – the quest, the meet and greet, the interview, and the vetting and the assigning of a level of commitment to said potential friend.

That said, it's time to jump on board and tighten up the Christmas card list!

Step 1 - Use Your Spyglass to Scan the Horizon: While at the commander's wife's welcome - you spy an interesting person by the buffet table - someone with a similar clothing style, no sign of a beer gut, and no spinach/artichoke dip in her teeth when she smiles. This initial sighting is generally the first step to a deeper and more meaningful friendship; however, you must beware this generally over-romanticized initial sighting. This “glance” is indicative of a potential friendship only - I mean, what do you really know about her?! This lady could have one too many skeletons in her closet – is she a Redskins fan? Does she have Kanye West tunes on her IPod? Might she spoon Nutella from the jar for breakfast (rather than the preferred organic apple bacon and eggs)? As you surely know (or your teen can explain), unfriending or defriending or nonfriending can result in your ultimately sneaking in a PCS request to the commander’s office with your husband’s signature attached. If you’re feeling confident, know the scales were off (in the appropriate direction) by at least five pounds during the AM weigh-in, have fresh breath and are sure there's no toilet paper stuck to your heel  - move on to step two.

Step 2 - Step Onto the Deck: As you move towards the buffet table and are inching your way closer to your target, push one of those flash frozen meatballs around on your plate while surreptitiously glancing over the top of your toothpick to see exactly where said target is standing and with whom. Don’t be naïve! Of course we judge you based on your posse! For instance, if you are enclosed in a tight-knit circle consisting of the chaplain's wife, the president of PWOC, and the local mayor’s wife, then Mercedes is already in reverse and falling backwards into the punchbowl.  (Per mishaps at a recent Army-sponsored couple’s retreat, God has Mercedes on his "list"; she is afraid of lightning striking those who come in close contact with her.) If Pearl, as another example, notices you standing with a wine glass in your hand, a plate of deep-double-fried cheese and wings, and your heels kicked off under the table, then game on!

Step 3 - Grab the Jib: If you’ve scouted, scanned and vetted by association, then you are ready to talk. And let’s pass on the doggy style fire hydrant butt sniffing convo – Pearl demands that you get straight to the point as every single minute of Pearl's time counts when she’s staring down a plate of deep-double-fried cheese and wings. Be a big girl and consider asking the questions which most interest you – no, not questions related to where your soldier works and/or who his commander happens to be! Consider discussing:

• Kids: This tells you how much free time she has, how late she can stay up, if she always has to book a sitter, or if she can head out spur of the moment to shop for shoes.
• Hobbies: This tells you if she's cool or not; macramé might be good for the soul, but playing blackjack for money is a heck of a lot more fun!
• Favorite Army Post: Is she a complainer (eg. Ft. Hood is sooooooo boring!)? Adventurer (eg. Alaska rocked with all that moose hunting!)? Crazy (Ft. Irwin is great for the tan!)?
• Favorite Food: This is a significant moment! If the answer is chicken enchiladas, barbecue, cashew chicken - it’s a go! If the answer is frozen pizza, Ramen noodles, or anything from 7-Eleven - your spontaneous dining out options might be limited. If the answer involves herbs, tofu, or Taiwanese delicacies – consider hosting the initial play-date luncheon at your home.

You’re almost ready to dock the USS Friendship; return next week to learn of the perils to be avoided on the high seas!

        

Thinking we were ahead of the pumpkin, we headed into the local Hobby Lobby to stock up on Halloween and Fall décor. Scarily enough, we weren’t greeted by dancing skeletons or ghoulish figures; rather, we were accosted by sparkling pines and rows of glittering ornaments. No, it’s not Homecoming season in Louisiana – it’s Christmas (Getmas?) in October! Retail has taken a significant hit over the past couple of years but is backing Santa into summer going to wrestle the dollars away from our children’s considerably diminished 529 plans?

Because sending your child(ren) to college is considered your patriotic duty – kind of like displaying the flag, whipping up a warm dinner four out of seven nights a week, and voting in national elections – and pilfering your child(ren)’s 529 plan is akin to wearing pajamas to your child’s 1st grade graduation, we’re recommending an alternative gift strategy. Open up your Outlook Contact file, grab your iPhone, or pull that ragged sheet of paper from the junk drawer – it’s time to call on your fellow geographically well-positioned Army spouses, all of whom were arm-wrestled into participating in that angst-laden Army spouse tradition, the BAZAAR!!!

For those with experience in economics, global trade, and under-the-table deal making (that’s all of you who’ve participated in an overseas move), bazaars present a brilliant opportunity to work the Army spouse “system”. Set up your bazaar wares and start taking photos; post those photos to your Facebook page; and start exchanging goods with your fellow spouses.

Our favorite bazaars that highlight military spouse participation are The American Women's Club of Brussels  annual holiday bazaar – featuring Polish pottery, hand-woven shawls and scarves, colorful jewelry and wooden toys and gifts, wines and chocolate (wines and chocolate, wines and chocolate). And, the Fort Hood OWC wins the bazaar belt buckle for sheer girth. With more local vendors and home crafted treats - the Killeen Convention Center is sure to be a hit for those needing Christmas goodies.

And, of course, you must track down the contact information for all your very, very close Army spouse buddies having access to the civilian bazaars in Europe! Where else can you find Irish linens, Black Forest cuckoo clocks, Belgian chocolate, Italian leather gloves and handbags and German wine (free testers!) while you walk up and down the maze of aisles? A typical German bazaar has as much food and drink as vendors and always sponsors a fest tent where the local soldier population can participate in "open mike night”! Wear your dancing shoes and leg warmers as, inside the shopping arena, the toe tapping background music is from the 80s as Europe (and definitely Germany!) is stuck in a time warp where Nina's "99 Luftbalons" and Ace of Bass' "All that she Wants" have never left the HitBoard Top 10.

All of these bazaars are well worth orchestrating exchange efforts, brokering post-to-post trade deals and investing your soldier’s deployment subsidy; grab lederhosen for the little ones, Americana buckets for the relatives, and First Cavalry Totebags for your friends – just remember where you store the gifts and don’t chip the Polish Pottery if you happen to use it a couple of times before wrapping!

What do you think?

• 529 Plan or fingers crossed for scholarships?
• Global trade initiatives represent a significant portion of my gift giving strategy.
• My dog ate my Rolodex!

        

First, we’re the first to concede that life as an Army wife is wildly fulfilling and all the resume you might want or need is pinned onto your husband’s chest. However, if you’re like us (slightly cynical, periodically sarcastic, exceedingly concerned that any/all education/professional training is not being put to the best use when standing next to the potty begging a two-year-old to JUST PEE!), at some point(s), you will actually question as to whom/what is being fulfilled as it’s certainly not the potty.

Second, we’re aware that the economy is in the tank and any talk about resume writing is superfluous considering the current conditions – this is particularly obvious when Army recruiters make statements indicating they are meeting/exceeding recruiting goals during a rather drawn out, two-front war. Seriously? Folks are willingly heading to a generally deserted mountainous region similar in size to Texas to sleep on hard cots in minimally protective tents, eat powdered eggs and potatoes, to look for a really tall guy in a turban?

Third, we’re also engaged in various stages of PCS-ing (a rather chronic condition for Army wives) and recognize that you might not have found an employer that is able and/or willing to move your job to the premier business locations idenfitied in previous blogs.

However, we’re going to advocate fine tuning the resume just the same! Why? It will bolster your self-esteem when you realize you, too, could easily run a small country from 1-5PM on Thursdays.  It will help you ignore, when slaving away for hours in your various FRG, volunteer, parenting, spousal capacities – in a very, very small way - that nagging thought in the back of your head that you’re doing quite a bit of work for FREE. Finally, it will prep you for that moment when you realize you have a free afternoon and just might be able to engage in something about you versus spending every waking moment cementing your husband’s successful career!

Rest assured – you haven’t been fiddling away the hours or toiling at the till for nada – rather, you might just need some assistance translating your vast Army-life experiences into a readable resume document. Think you haven’t engaged in upward professional mobility? Let us reassure you that you can spin the tale on this donkey!  The following are the contributions and skills you, yes, you have made and acquired as an Army wife – with a few minor tweaks to facilitate the appreciation of the civilian HR community.

• Mediator: As a member, facilitator, and participant of many, many, many consortiums of both professional and non-professional behaving adults (eg. FRG meetings), I interceded between parties of variance and exhibited an uncanny ability to reconcile differences between disputants. Physical force was only necessary periodically, with name-calling and back-stabbing being the primary resolution methods. 
• Event Planner: As the person primarily responsible for any and all Friday afternoon social gatherings at both my spouse’s office and residence (eg. Friday Afternoon Beer Call), I am fully trained in meeting the hydration, fried food quota, and scintillating party discussion requirements of disgruntled, exhausted, Blackberry wielding staff.
• CEO and/or Administrative Assistant: As the primary calendar maintainer, appointment scheduler, errand runner, meal preparer, holiday shoppinger (eg. Household 6), I have over-achieved in event/activity coordination; on-time arrivals to education, athletic, and social undertakings; and maintained and controlled the personnel / budget and records for all executive members of my team.
• Transportation Officer: As the person in charge of servicing and maintaining the fleet of vehicles necessary for all inter- and intra-corporation movement (eg. family chauffer), I am able to quickly and firmly position personnel of any age in the appropriate seating, adjust all required safety needs according to height and weight of occupants, and deliver valuable cargo over long and short distances to the specified destination – on time with french fries in hand.
• Logistics Expert: As the manager responsible for the procurement of the supplies and equipment necessary to sustain my core unit's force and strength (eg. PCSing), I am able to unpack, organize, and display 10,000 of so termed “necessary items” into 1,000 square feet of living space.

Go ahead, cut and paste! And feel free to use "Pearl & Mercedes" as references!

What do you think?

• I'm totally fulfilled walking three feet behind my spouse with all children in tow.
• I wouldn’t give up my volunteer positions for a six-figure salary because I want the best for my Army family.
• I have/have not been fired from any of the afore mentioned positions.

        

There are a few Army posts that might be appealing to our soldiers but absolutely do not bring out the stars in our eyes! Some hints that you’re most likely heading to one of these less than stellar locations: your soldier continues to go in early and work late – avoiding any potential questions from you concerning PCS-ing – although his replacement has arrived, has a nameplate, and is hovering outside your soldier’s door; your soldier offers to take you shopping – for shoes AND a new handbag - when you ask “have you got those orders, yet?”; and/or your soldier begins extolling the value of spending quality time with the family, growing one’s own vegetables, and taking up knitting to while away the long evening hours.

Don’t get us wrong, Pearl & Mercedes have enjoyed every post location to date; however, there are a few Army post locations that make us wonder why in the world we didn’t marry a sailor so we could lounge in our beach chairs, snap our fingers for a fruity cocktail, and enjoy balmy evenings dancing on big ships! We’re not pushing direct fire on a few Army posts – rather, consider this a heads up that you might have to become extremely creative concerning self- and child-entertainment! Scrabble, anyone?

All Alone in Alaska (Fort Richardson, Alaska): Tellingly, the Fort Richardson homepage (http://www.usarak.army.mil/garrison/sites/local/) headlines the local hunting opportunities, humorously touting “Moose News”!  Although there is the promise of a four-wheeling Todd Palin coming to call, it’s more likely that a 300lb moose or a bear might roam into your front yard to visit with your panicking pet! Looking for family activities? Pack up (your absolutely warmest weather gear) and head to the mountains – making sure your neighbors have your longitude/latitude to provide to the Fort Richardson soldiers desperate for an opportunity to practice their mountain rescue techniques.

Kimchi in Korea (US Army Garrison Yongsan): Pick up travel-size toothpaste, breath mints, and multiple packs of gum as you’ll be eating Kimchi at every opportunity – and we personally believe that garlic is the main ingredient of every pickled dish! When you’re on the treadmill, you’ll note an odd odor – blame the kimchi; when you start sweating while shopping in outdoor markets, the kimchi will revisit via your pores. Don’t let this sway you from experiencing the traditional Korean food, just don’t try and blame odd odors on your children. Army wives around the world do tout the benefits of the shopping (and the shop owners do love their American visitors!) particularly the shopping outside Gate 19 and the heady bargains found in Itaewon (ah, the platform shoes!).

Dismal in the Desert (Fort Irwin, California): “Helllloooooo out there?!” Fort Irwin is wonderful if you’ve just been at Fort Drum; but, as a very wise girlfriend once said, "They do not make enough wine for me to move to NTC"! Heading to Fort Irwin? Consider it an opportunity to really, really make and deepen friendships with your neighbors (even those flying a freak flag high and proud) – and most likely home-school your children. And, there is also the opportunity to increase your knowledge of the insect community as you will become quite familiar with the giant cockroaches, lizards or snakes which will take up residence in your house.

Run for the Border (Fort Bliss, Texas):  During a recent trip to Fort Bliss, one of Mercedes’ children asked “Where is Mexico?” Mercedes replied, “Look to your left – your immediate left! In fact, stretch your hand out the car window and your arm and fingers will be in Mexico!” On the pro side, Fort Bliss is closer to the California coastline than, say, Fort Bragg. On the con side, Fort Bliss is pretty close to the Rio Grande (Rio Bravo if you’re local) for anyone not sporting an up-armored M1114 Humvee nor trained in combating drug-lord warfare.

What Do You Think?

• A moose on the loose is better than a Fort Hood rattler on my front porch!
• My favorite post assignment has been: ________________
• I would love to move to: ____________________

 

        

Five, six, 37 times a day (but who’s counting?!), persons privileged to live on an Army post are directed as to how to spend significant portions of their day via bugle call (somewhat similar to your elementary, junior high and high school bell-ringing experience). Unlike elementary school, however, you – an adult with some adult-decision-making power (albeit limited considering you are subjected to the rules and regs of your Army post) - can deviate from the expected activity and use the bulge calls to your advantage. 

Your proximity to the enormous speakers that disseminate the pre-recorded, ear-splittingly loud, highly traditional bugle calls – during the Revolutionary War, America's Army used bugle calls for Cavalry and Artillery units and drumbeats for Infantry units; these bugle calls evolved from Continental Army contacts with the French and English armies during the Revolutionary War (www.fas.org) – will most likely influence your bugle call affections. Pearl, for instance, finds herself responding to her ingrained bugle buddy schedule, yelling at her children to snap to attention while hustling through HEB near the dinner hour (much to their complete humiliation).   

With significant combined time on multiple Army posts, we have overcome our initial horror at being “tootled” awake at 6AM and have embraced our bugle buddies, adopting the timely, enthusiastic musical signals as reminders that children must go to school, dinner must be cooked, and the mall does close at 9PM no matter how many pairs of shoes are left to be purchased. For those yet to adapt and adopt, our suggested usage follows.

Time	Soldier Meanings	Family Translation
06:00	Reveille: The American Flag is raised upon the last note of this call; all soldiers must be assembled for their morning roll call.	Option 1: Immediately pull the covers over your head and hope to heaven the sound machine can drown out the noise; Option 2: Realize that it’s yet another day that your commitment to family, God, and country will be tested to its limits.
06:30	Breakfast Call: Now morphed into the gun shot start of unit P.T.	All main road arteries are closed. During the next hour, if you happen to need diapers for the baby or milk for your child's cereal, you will need to call in a CareFlight rapid emergency response – you aren’t going anywhere via vehicle on post.
12:00	Dinner Call: When dinner was the main meal of the day.	If you have not made a quick lunch run to Subway, the line now stretches around the corner of the building – consider PB&J. If you’re still waiting on workout motivation to descend from the heavens, you’ve waited too long. You only have two more hours until your children come home from school - go directly to the shower.
18:00	Retreat: The flag lowering ceremony, traditionally at 17:00.	Realize, while absorbed in dinner preparation, that you have not seen your children for at least 30 minutes clearly putting you in violation of post line-of-site policy. For spouses of soldiers shackled to desks at the Pentagon, “Beltway Hour" begins (a cocktail tradition observed by wives as husbands fight their way home through the Washington, D.C. traffic).
21:00	Tattoo: Soldiers prepare for bed and secure the post.	Consider passing on the third glass of that excellent red – or just call it a Tylenol PM chaser.
23:00	Taps: All lights extinguished and loud talking ceased!	Fall exhaustedly into bed, make a note to wash your face in the AM and once again ponder the implications of skipping flossing.

        

To sustain our military force, the Army has armed all recruiters and applicable personnel (generally the dubious spouse!) with a catchy slogan: "Re-enlist Soldiers, Re-Up Families". True to its word, the Army has been pumping money into the Army Family Covenant Quality of Life efforts for over two years. Many posts have upgraded housing, built new gym and dining facilities, and dramatically improved the barracks.  We know, we know! The Army must invest in infrastructure to compensate for its generally out-in-the-middle-of-nowhere geographic locations (give a shout-out for Ft. Irwin)!

We’ve been around a while – although we’re nowhere near as old as some of the housing at Ft. Leavenworth – and we’ve decided we’re qualified to give the more famous (and infamous) posts “star rankings” (somewhat akin to those given to the Army leadership). New spouses - consider this a “heads up” when your soldier begins extolling, say, the three-wheeling opportunities at a certain Ft. Polk for which he’s recently received orders; spouses with a few moves scratched into your dining room table – tell us if you agree or if we’ve totally missed the more compelling features of Ft. Leonard Wood!


Good in the Hood (Fort Hood, Texas): With the recent significant on- and off-post infrastructure improvements, we’re going to give the Hood the whopping four-star award. (Just keep in mind that this rating system is for Army posts only, not the numerous Air Force or Navy or Coast Guard vacation locations.)Off-post, you now have access to the Cracker Barrel (Sunday breakfast anyone?), Cheddar’s, Barnes & Noble, a new Target, ULTA – retail paradise! The I35 corridor is loaded with theme parks, water parks, more shopping, restaurants – and as you’re required to drive 80+ miles an hour on I35, you’ll get to your day-trip location in no time! Although the summer heat index drives the field mice into the numerous double-wide mobile homes for much needed air conditioning - this prime real estate is developing faster than the Army's newest models of Paladin and Abrams. And, most importantly for the kids, a CAV charge with horses - awesome!


Sunning at Schofield (Schofield Barracks, Hawaii): Right – we’re cheating a bit here but did you really think we could start anywhere else?! This is the one location where wives can get a lei without having to cook dinner. Drinks at sunset? On the beach? You bet! And always start the morning off with coffee on the sea-breeze misted back porch; this is the Army's little (very, very little) piece of paradise. There are a couple of questionable features to note. First, you will have to contend with the abundance of GOs – there are more general officers per square inch of government owned land in HI than grains of sand in Pearl’s high school spring break sun faded soft yellow Corona beer bottle. And, second, you will need to cover the candy apple red Mazda MX6 convertible as the endless bright sun tends to fade red paint a bit. 

Daydreaming about Drum (Fort Drum, New York): The home of the 10th Mountain Division families’ quarters comes with snow blowers as standard issue. On the upside, there are minimal days when you’ll break a sweat working in the yard; on the downside, you’ll only see that yard for those few days. We’ll admit that we’re giving Ft. Drum three stars because awesome New York City is only 331 miles away (don’t remind us that it takes a whopping nine hours of driving to get there in bad weather!). Once there, you have the sidewalk vendors! The Rockettes! The Rockefeller Square holiday displays and ice skating! Restaurant, after restaurant, after restaurant……… And, most importantly, the more covert treats can be found right outside the Canal Street subway – where the vendors of relatively plausible designer goods have experienced greatly increased foot traffic during the recent economic downturn.


Pumped about Polk (Fort Polk, Louisiana): Google Fort Polk Louisiana and the first URL returned is “Fort Polk: Burger King Fort Polk”. Why is this? Anyone? Is the big BK the bomb at Ft. Polk? We don’t want to flame Ft. Polk unnecessarily – and are going to ask a local for some input – a lucky current resident of that blissfully soggy location, Jennifer Anotonia! Jennifer - how many stars would you give Ft. Polk and why (and no cheating just because you are always positive and your husband is a commander!)?

What Do You Think?

• Ft. Leonard Wood or Ft. Polk?
• I don't care where we live as long as I get a house_______________(on post / off post!)
• Forget CONUS assignments - I am trying to get to my spouse’s Hooch in Afghanistan!

        

Lucky us - school is back in session! You can approach the start of school in one of two ways – make that two and a half –

70% of you will most likely kiss the sidewalk outside the front doors of the school as you watch your three precious darlings trot down the hall to their next torture victims. It’s truly a religious moment for many mothers: play-dates have devolved into fight-dates as the summer drags out and the high temps drag on; your kids have figured out that you’re spending at least 30 minutes a day sitting in your closet while pretending you can’t hear anyone calling your name; they’re catching on that while your lips are moving when  you’re sitting in the car with phone in hand - you might actually just be talking to yourself; family reunions in hot parks eating wilted food have found you questioning the genetic implications of your spouses’ lineage;  and the "fun" family vacations have put you on a first name basis with a real estate agent in St. Bart’s and a lawyer in the nearest big city.

30% of you will roll over, hit snooze, wonder why it’s so dark out – and why did that alarm go off?! - and snuggle back under the covers! Of these 30%, 25% will resign yourselves to getting up at Zero - dark thirty, dragging your children out of bed, begging them to eat a Snickers for breakfast as you blast through the school zone while begging God to help you make it before the bell rings so you don’t have to enter the elementary school (no less) sans-bra to sign in your children. The other 5% will immediately swear off public or private education while simultaneously placing an order with Scholastic.com for home schooling materials and Googling “non-flammable science experiments”.

Having personally labeled 240 crayons with my daughter’s initials at 1AM while trying to imagine how in the world she’ll manage to put 30 glue sticks to use, I fall between the “praise to the celestial beings on high that summer is over” and “surely you’re kidding that ANYONE is up at this hour?” camps.

As you’re well aware, it’s not just our children that get hauled back to reality at the end of August. We too must commit to embracing the day at Zero - dark thirty; to begging children to attempt their daily homework; to packing boring lunches that are – remarkably enough – better than the “assorted cans of fruit” offered on the school menu; to endless shuttling to piano, dance, karate, soccer, <insert at least four activities here requiring hauling multiple children through loads of lights begging the traffic signal gods to help you make it on time and then contemplating how to fit in the 17 errands that must be run during the 45 – make that 43 – minutes you now have while your progeny are engaged in languid self-improvement>.

Most importantly, we have to confront – with an alarming amount of enthusiasm - the many, many, many opportunities to sign away any chance of reading “Anna Karenina” during a cool evening on the back porch (or at Cracker Barrel where the rocking chair selection is truly a Book Club’s dream).  You know the signs – leaflets on telephone poles, exceedingly gregarious “neighbors” at the crosswalks, mini-van windows rolled down for a quick street catch-up, luncheon after luncheon after luncheon.  A veritable plethora of volunteer opportunities (eg. a chance to make a difference, a minimal time commitment to give so and so a hand, a few weeks to pull together a nearly pulled together event, <insert euphemism for “volunteer” here>, etc.) are sprung on the somewhat unsuspecting around the second week of September. A steroidal song of calendar overdrive sung by anyone suddenly finding themselves with an hour or two on their hands! You might ask - how do Pearl and Mercedes choose to fill any spare moment that might otherwise be spent learning a new language, continuing our education, or sitting on the sofa staring the ceiling? A few places where we chose to spread the joy include:

The Community Spouses Club: a seemingly wholesome group of adults who gather to plan and organize events within the community - for the community (remember the scholarships which benefit our children and ourselves!) On the other hand, this club periodically devolves into a gathering place for spouses who want proclaim themselves the "who’s who” of your post. Of course, cliques and power groups will erupt naturally in any social group - and so goes the Community club which lends itself nicely to the wives who want to wear their husband's rank. Fear not - find the fun loving people along the back of the wall (purchasing wine with their luncheon meals) and meet some outlet mall shopping buddies.

PTA: Truly the place we all need to be if we have children in school. Pearl and Mercedes prefer to focus on spoiling the teachers which control their children's grades - but - we find it important to remember the secretaries who influence the tardy roster! Cookies and treats are always welcome!

Your Unit: Ho - Ho - Ho (and not the one hanging out on D Street in Killeen, Texas) - we are talking about the man with the snowy white beard who slides down your chimney and leaves bikes with huge red bows under the Christmas tree for your beautiful children (you know - the gift you finally got off lay-a-way - but for which you can assume no credit!). It is already time to consider the unit Christmas party. Time to plan the events, food and children's activities - is your pen at the ready?! (We prefer purple ink for signing away many hours of one’s life with a flourish!)

The hymns we sing to the goddess teachers of our children are intermingled with the bowed heads with which we enter each volunteer situation. On bended knee we consider whether the best use of our time will be with our units, families or communities on and off post. We’re there with you – Pearl is on the stage, pen in hand, taking names of tardy attendees while Mercedes is sitting in the back wondering if the door will squeak as she tries to sneak out after signing in prominently on the first page of the roster. The solace in our lives is that it truly "takes a Post" to create and sustain our military lives!

What do you think?

• Glue sticks or Rubber cement?
• Spouses Club or Wine Club?
• Remember your favorite excuse for not having completed homework as a child – is it similar in any way to the excuse you’re about to use to dodge that volunteer request?